jokes

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Men Are Just Happier People
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NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the
phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
This one was sent to me via e-mail...just passing it along...
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Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Marvin. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.
He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice--the recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free lunch?' But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE!)


'W I N A B A G E L'
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Labor Day Specials... enjoy!
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What I want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. BREATHING
2. DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET

KEEP READING, THERE'S MORE BELOW:
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A
CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,
A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING
WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD
ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL,
AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE
AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING
A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW
HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Sent to me via e-mail...
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ImTakes

sama
Retired
Sent to yours truly, via email...spamming it on to all of you...
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"The Scottish Brothel"
>> The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
> > "May I help you sir?" > she asked.
> > The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
> > "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies . Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
>> He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
> > Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
>> Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
> > After an hour, the man calmly left.
>> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
> > Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
> > Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
> > After an hour, he left.
> > The following night the man was there yet again.
> > Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
> > After their session, Suzy said to the man,
> "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
> Where are you from?"
> > The man replied, " Edinburgh."
> > "Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
> > "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
> She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
>
> > The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
> 1. Death
> 2. Taxes
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Another one a dear friend sent me via email...just spamming it along.
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Why Parents Drink~~

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Some more sent to me by way of email...passing them on...
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1.
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST....
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf so forget about the anesthetic, I don't having time for the gums to get numb, I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

2.
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man
behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young
woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her,
what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at
night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her.... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Another one sent my way and now spammed on to all who care to read it...not really a joke in the classic sense of the word but more along the lines of some funny signs...
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
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On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
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On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
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On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
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On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
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At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
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On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
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At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Another funny email sent along to you, the ftv joke reader...
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THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her cupboard that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
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Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly ..
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
More amusing email came my way and now, I pass it on to all of you...

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother,
'Why is the bride
dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece
of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me
out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she
asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.. You grow old because you stop
laughing!
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Sent to me by way of Arizona...spammed your way...enjoy!
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New Mexico Chili Cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note:
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them..

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
My Nursing Supervisor emailed me this...passing it on...
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REMEMBER IN LIFE:
Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk.


The IRISH Confessional
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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away
from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very
long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that
the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
~Places I have been or Haven't Been~
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
tongue.gif


**Whoever wrote this one up sure is clever with words...I had a good laugh.
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ImTakes

sama
Retired
An old friend from another forum, sent me this list of amusing quotes with regards to marriage...
wink.gif
Some are quite clever...enjoy!
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~By Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~By Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~By Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~By Mike Tyson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
~By George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~By Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~By George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~By Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~By Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
~By Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
~By Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~By Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~By Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~ByTommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~ ByJimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
~By David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
~By Jay Leno
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Another funny one sent to me via email and passing it along to the other ftv jokesters...
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~~Su Wong marries Lee Wong~~

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him..

Are you ready for this?
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Sum Ting Wong
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Sent to me via email...
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A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY~~
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. The wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. They had a lot to do and she was a bit upset. With him it was just like taking a kid to the mall. Using her cell phone she called her husband to ask where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, "honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago..... where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford? Remember... the one I told you that I would get for you one day?"
Her emotions took over and she began crying; "yes I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "well I'm in the bar next door. Call when you're done shopping and I'll buy you a beer!"
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ImTakes

sama
Retired
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo . Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
An old friend on MAL sent this one to me...I loved it.
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Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description
of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any
item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks , ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money
and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
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