jokes

REYOMA

-dono
Retired
This was e-mailed to me and I thought this was true and funny
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Recently, I was diagnosed with :

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my
car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I
collected from the letter box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin
under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take
out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque
left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting
warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
worktop catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a
container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone
left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's
on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the
flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:

- the car isn't washed

- the bills aren't paid

- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop

- the flowers don't have enough water

- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book

- I can't find the remote control

- I can't find my glasses

- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
 

kana-ami

-chi
Kouhai
RIDDLE1:
I AM AS LIGHT AS A FEATHER BUT YOU CAN'T HOLD ME FOR SO LONG. WHO AM I??

RIDDLE2:
what will happen to earth if newton is still alive ? answer is at the bottom..try 2 answer first no cheating...ok


JOKE:
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ONE DAY 2 GUYS ARE DRINKING BEER....ONE OF THEM LOOKS SAD
GUY 1: WHY ARE YOU LOOKING SO SAD?
GUY 2: I AM A GAY....
GUY 1:MAYBE YOU CAN DISCUSS ABOUT IT WITH YOUR BROTHERS! THEY CAN HELP YOU....
GUY 2: THEY ARE ALSO GAY.
GUY 1: WHAT?!!!! DOES THAT MEAN NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE GIRLS??
GUY 2: ONLY MY SISTER LIKE GIRLS...........
GUY1:ur sis is a les?@!!??XYZn.....................


ANSWER FOR THE RIDDLE:
1.BREATH
blink.gif

2.the earth will have one extra human.
tongue.gif
 

Nahrallah

-dono
Retired
You know you're in college when ....

1. High school started before 8am, but now anything before noon is considered “early”.
2. You have more beer than food in your fridge.
3. Weekends start on Thursday.
4. 6am is when you go to sleep, not when you wake up.
5. You know many different ways to cook ramen noodles or macaroni and cheese.
6. The health center gives out free condoms, and people take them… just in case.
7. Instead of falling asleep in class, you stay in bed.
8. You know how late McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Qdoba, etc. are open.
9. You think it’s the weekend on a Wednesday and you don’t know what month it is.
10. You can’t remember the last time you washed your car.
11. Your underwear/sock supply dictates your laundry schedule.
12. You check Facebook more than once a day.
13. You get drunk dialed on any night of the week.
14. You wash dishes in the bathroom sink.
15. You’ve fallen off a loft bed.
16. You talk about beer pong like it’s a sport.
17. Finding random people in your house is perfectly normal, and you even sympathize with them… sometimes when you wake up you have no idea where you are.
18. Your primary news sources are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.
19. You open a beer at 10 am and your roommate asks you if there’s more.
20. The standard of meals per day falls to two, sometimes just one.
21. Your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t.
22. You go to Target or Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
23. You wear the same jeans for 13 days without washing them.
24. Your breakfast consists of a coke or cereal bar on the way to class… anything with caffeine will do.
25. Quarters are like gold.
26. Your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some ramen noodles.
27. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
28. You try to study but seem to procrastinate by eating, going to study breaks, talking to people, etc…
29. You talk to your roommate on instant messenger when you’re both home.
30. You ask people what YOU did last night.
31. Certain things are now deemed “Facebook worthy.” When friends take pictures of you, you wonder how long it will take them to post them.
32. You’ve seen a hit and run involving a bicyclist/pedestrian.
33. You see people you know you’ve met but can never remember their names or how you know them.
34. You sleep more in class than in your room
35. Your idea of a square meal is a box of Pop-Tarts.
36. You’ve traveled with bags of dirty clothes.
37. You go home to do your laundry because you’re too poor to pay the $2… or too lazy to go to a change machine.
38. You pay $100 for a book you don’t read once, return it four months later, and get $7.
39. More than 20% of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.
40. You recognize the meat in the dorm soup as yesterday’s meatloaf, and thus decide to eat a nice bowl of cereal - a safe bet for any meal.
41. You use words like “thus” (see #40).
42. You throw out bowls and plates because you don’t feel like washing them.
43. Your beer pong table is nicer than all your other tables.
44. It takes preparation… and 3 people… to take out your garbage.
45. Going to the library is a social event.
46. You wear flip flops in the shower your freshman year… you know why.
47. You start joining clubs because of the free food.
48. Visits home depend on how much money you have for gas.
49. You skip one class to write a paper for another.
50. You have no idea where your tuition money is going… technology fees? I think not.
51. Bicycles don’t seem as lame as they did in high school.
52. You stay up late to finish homework then sleep through the class in which it was due.
53. Girls: You’ve balanced your foot on a shampoo bottle to shave.
54. Your backpack is giving you scoliosis.
55. You’ve written a check for 45 cents or stopped to get $2.00 of gas.
56. Your bill in the bookstore will be comparable to tuition.
57. Going to the mailbox becomes an ego booster/breaker.
58. Most of your T.A.’s are foreign…what’s the deal?
59. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
60. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
61. Western Europe could be wiped out by a terrible plague and you’d never know, but you can recite the last episode of your favorite show verbatim.
62. Care packages rank right up there with birthdays.
63. You craft ways to make any game into a drinking/stripping game.
64. You meet the type of people you thought only existed in movies.
65. Printers break down only when you desperately need them.
66. Anything can be cooked in a microwave.
67. Two words: bike cops.
68. You have Safe Ride programmed into your phone.
69. Old school Nintendo… and guitar hero… are pretty much the best things ever.
70. Going to the grocery at midnight is completely normal.
71. You call restaurants that deliver more than you call your own family.
72. You’ve paid bills over $5… in coins.
73. You can’t imagine life without your computer/cell phone/ i-pod.
74. Hoodies and sweatpants become the norm - jeans are considered “dressy” at certain occasions… like school.
75. A canceled class is almost as exciting as Christmas.
76. Taking a nap in the library is perfectly acceptable.
77. Your professors speak English… as a second language.
78. Your teachers swear in class and no one cares.
79. Candles in your dorm room are considered contraband, but cigarettes are ok.
80. You take condiment packets and napkins from fast food restaurants - hey, they’re free.
81. Betta fish are like your family.
82. You bring back socks from the laundry room that may or may not be yours.
83. You know what people carrying suspiciously heavy backpacks after dark are doing…
84. The elevators take forever but you’ll wait 10 minutes just so you don’t have to climb stairs.
85. Your roommate asks you to check the weather on your computer when they’re standing 5 feet away from the door.
86. Showers become more of an issue.
87. You press the automatic door opener instead of simply grabbing the handle when you approach a door.
88. Christmas lights seem to be acceptable all year round.
89. Class size doubles on exam days.
89. You donate plasma even though you know it’s pretty sketchy.
90. You are no longer thankful that fire alarms are here to protect you.
91. You’ve bought Christmas presents from the book store and charged it to your student account so your parents pay for the gifts because you’re too broke.
92. You begin to include ketchup on your list of acceptable vegetables.
93. You stay on campus for hours in between classes when it’s too cold to walk home.
94. People have to help you kick the vending machine just so you can get your 50 cent bag of chips.
95. There’s always a “question kid” in at least one of your classes, and you really wish someone would just tell him/her to shut the hell up.
96. You steal dishes from the cafeteria so you don’t have to wash your own.
97. Laundry is an all-day event.
98. You no longer find it uncool to take naps. In fact, you quite enjoy them.
99. It’s illegal to drink in the dorms yet they sell an assortment of shot glasses, beer mugs, tankards, etc. in the bookstore.
100. You find your list of acceptable napping places expanding daily to increasingly uncomfortable locations.
101. You fill out credit card applications for the free food.
102. You’ve eaten cereal out of a cup… with a fork.
103. Dressing up for Halloween becomes cool again.
104. You know at least one person who has dropped his/her cell phone into a toilet.
105. You hang multiple shirts on the same hanger to save space/money.
106. You become increasingly annoyed with the “old” people in class - props to them for going back to college but they generally ask really, really annoying questions.
107. You admire people’s alcohol bottle shrines.
108. You set your clock 5-10 minutes ahead so you can potentially make it to class on time.
109. You check ratemyprofessor.com (or something of the like) before choosing your class schedule.
110. You text faster than you type.
111. You only find out a class is cancelled after you get there and sit for about ten minutes.
112. You actually start using coupons, especially those school coupon books.
113. You open canned food and eat it… out of the can.
114. You run out of black ink and, instead of buying a new ink cartridge, decide blue is a nice substitute… adds a little flair.
115. You have numbers in your phone with labels like “Sketchy Steve” and “Alcohol Guy.”
116. The food in your fridge may or may not be older than your little brother.
117. You finish reading this and wonder how you can procrastinate next.
 

synchk

-dono
Kouhai
got these by e-mail...

#1:
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.

#2:
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

#3:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

#4:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then ~
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack

#5:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

#6:
When ur life is in darkness pray to God
Ask him to free u from darkness
And if after you pray
And you're still in darkness,
Please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!
 

Nahrallah

-dono
Retired
Here's a short joke for a change. Nothing new but I think it's a good one.
biggrin.gif


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
 

monsta666

-the bee's knees
Staff member
Fansub TV Team
Some jokes relating to the recent credit crunch:

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four

What do Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?
Synchronised diving

I've had terrible problems during the credit crunch
but I'm back on my feet now - They repossessed the car

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds"
Mine or the banks?

What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets!

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
 

Gustav1976

-sama
Retired
You have on large green ball under one arm, and one large green ball under the other, what have you got?
The Jolly Green Giant at your mercy
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Since I have a collection of amusing stuff from family and friends, via e-mail and whatnot... I will just pass them along as time allows, herein, rather than spam certain folks.
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Since this forum seems to be lacking in the sense of humor department of late...well, here's a classic for a good chuckle or two...
wink.gif


Dog vs Cat Diary

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
 

Ausdoerrt

-sama
Retired
QUOTE 63. You craft ways to make any game into a drinking/stripping game.

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I have a friend who once suggested to play "Drinking Monopoly"
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ImTakes

sama
Retired
Another one to add to the FTV collection...a tad risqué but funny nevertheless, so read at your own risk...
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You'll love this) 
 
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Another joke!
tongue.gif

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . '
My wife ' s going to have her baby in the cab. '
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady ' s dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient ' s anterior chest wall.
' Big breaths, ' . . . I instructed.
' Yes, they used to be, ' . . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a ' massive internal fart. '
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ' m running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . '
Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. '
I know, ' she said, ' I ' m his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
Here are two more...
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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on
Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

And...
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note
of the importance of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT – and True!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
On a Sunday morning, while it rains...some silly humor for good measure...
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

And...

THE MEMORIAL STONE
Billy died.... His will provided $30,000
for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who
lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."
"No!" Jonelle exclaimed.
"I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats!"
 

franzoir

-the smooth, the suave, and the shrewd
Sempai
Ok I shouldnt be sharing this because this is very private, but this is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read.

My friend forward this to me. Im guessing they both failed.

Tandem Story

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca ... and Gary ...
English 44A, SMU
Creative Writing
Professor Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday: One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish partical beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.


Gary. Is. Awesome.
 

ImTakes

sama
Retired
The Chinese have for thousands of years in fact, practiced medicine as an art form...I must say, I remain impressed.
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image001.jpg


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it. Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain - good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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ImTakes

sama
Retired
thcoffeespill.gif

An e-mail from a friend the deems being passed along here on FTV:
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
HAHA.gif
 

JCDRANZER

- Sky King
Retired
That was funny Yaya....got about 3 hours before the exam.
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ImTakes

sama
Retired
QUOTE (JCDRANZER @ Jun 08 2011, 10:19 PM)That was funny Yaya....got about 3 hours before the exam.
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Well, glad to know you are gonna pass with flying colors, Capitano...now, use the energy from your laughter like I told you and go get'em tiger!
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My cousin sent this to me since the security at some of the US airports is a joke due to the body pat-downs...
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This song was played on the Howard Stern show a few months back.
~~Frank Sinatra in Song~~
They should play this non stop at All Airports!!!
Turn up the sound and click on the link below...
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm
 

JCDRANZER

- Sky King
Retired
Ratta Tat Tat Tat,
Budda Bing Bang Boom,
Zooma Zooma Zoom.

Send those bast**ds to the moon....
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I love the end to the song.
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