jokes

killorbekilled

-san
Kouhai
i don't know if this joke has been told or if you've heard it, but it one of my favourites


A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender;

Duck: do you have any grapes?
Bartender: no.

duck leaves and comes back the next day, and asks

Duck: do you have any grapes?
Bartender: no.

duck leaves and comes back again the next day

Bartender: look duck if you ask me if i have any grapes again, i'm gonna staple your feet to the floor
mad.gif


so the duck leaves and comes back again the next day and asks

Duck: do you have any staples?
Bartender: no.
Duck: then...do you have any grapes?
laugh.gif
 

Hiasubi

-Snuggle Bunny
Retired
20 Types of Men you will find in a Bathroom

1.) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2.) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3.) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4.) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5.) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6.) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7.) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8.) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across the urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9.) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10.) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11.) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12.) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13.) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14.) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15.) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16.) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17.) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18.) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19.) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20.) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
 

Hiroyuki

-sama
Retired
Some quotations....

"Failure is not an option -- It comes bundled with the software."

"Lovely lampshade, looks like fur doesn't it, but it's dust."

Konata: What's your favourite colour?
Tsukasa: White
Kagami: Black
Konata: Same as your hearts.
(Lucky Star)

Q. Which five letter word does everybody pronounce wrong?
A. "Wrong".

Strange but True:
Most people have more than the average number of legs.
 

nashaa

-san
Kouhai
err...sorry for the off-topicness, but i don't know where else to ask, and i really need to know the answer...what's the number of 911?
 

killorbekilled

-san
Kouhai
QUOTE (nashaa @ Jun 24 2007, 11:47 AM) err...sorry for the off-topicness, but i don't know where else to ask, and i really need to know the answer...what's the number of 911?
badjoke.jpg
 

nashaa

-san
Kouhai
QUOTE (killorbekilled @ Jun 24 2007, 11:33 AM)
badjoke.jpg

i don't get it.first you tell me it's a good one,the next thing you said my joke sucks.make up your mind already!
tongue.gif
 

ookamioni

-san
Kouhai
Its not really a joke but...

When I was in japan i was talking to a guy from NZ... and we got to talking about what we do in our free time... We went through various games and such... and we got kinda bored talking...

But the last thing he said was "When i'm bored I like to lay back in bed and play with my cellph- (self).... [somthing interupted him here] ... -one"

... From what he said (and i didn't notice he got distracted till he corrected himself like 10 seconds after) I couldn't stop laughing...
 

Nightdragon

TSiF-Tearraven
Retired
There is a Chinese, an Italian and an Iraqi in a plane. The person flying the plane says "Each of you chuck something out, the plane's too heavy and it's gonna crash!"

So the Chinese chucks out a laptop and says "My country can make more of these."

The Italian chucks out a bowl of pasta and says "My country can make more pasta."

The Iraqi then chucks out a bomb and says "My country can make loads more bombs."

When they land, the Chinese guy sees a guy who is estatic. He asks him why he's so happy and he says "Wow, it's my lucky day! I was just standing here doing nothing and a laptop fell from the sky into my hands!"

The Italian then comes across a guy who's really grumpy. He asks him why he's so mad and the guy says: "I was just standing here minding my own business when a bowl of pasta falls from the sky onto my head!"

A while later, the Iraqi sees this old man laughing. He asks him why he's laughing and the old man says:"I farted and my house blew up!"
 

InuyashaX

-Hokage
Kouhai
I heard this while playing Rakion, some guy was spamming it.

Warning, it might be offensive to some people.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
 

mibukyo

-chan
Kouhai
this woman walks into a bar and the corner of her eye she spots a cute looking guy....so she walks up to him and says "hi there! wats ur name?"
he looks at her and says "Magic beer!"
she nods and slowly backs away thinking hes a total nut job......so she walks around the whole bar talking to everyone but no matter who she talks to, she cant help noticing the cute guy she saw before. After she regained her confidence, she went to talk to him again saying "hi, its me again"
he nods and says "Magic Beer"
she says " Magic beer?" with a puzzled look on her face.
so he takes a sip and jumps out the window, flies around 3 times around the building, flies through the window and sits back down.
Shocked she says "wow, do that again" so he does....after that she shouts to the bartender "give me wat hes having" so the bartender gives her a beer, so she takes a sip and jumps out the window, falls to her doom and splatters across the ground.....the bartender sighs and leans toward the man and says " ur a real jerk wen ur drunk superman"
 

nashaa

-san
Kouhai
MISTAKES

If a barber makes a mistake
It's a new style

If a driver makes a mistake
It's an accident

If an engineer makes a mistake
It's a new venture

If parents makes a mistakes
It's a new generation

If a politician makes a mistake
It's a new law

If a scientist makes a mistake
It is a new invention

If a taylor makes a mistakes
It's a new fashion

If a teacher makes a mistake
It's a new theory

If our boss makes a mistake
It is our mistake

If an employee makes a mistake
It is a mistake...

ps:~if you think my joke is lame or anything,just shut up.there're other people who'll find it funny.let's take it we have different sense of humour
wink.gif
 

Cool Nitro

-dono
Sempai
Base on my previous experience:

CN: I'm thinking getting new cell, any recommendation guys.

AH: Just buy the N** one, that nice one man. Many function.

CN: Gee, you really want to put hole in pocket don't you ...

PT: Oh wait CN.

CN: What PT ?

PT: How bout take mine. I could give you reason price. Beside I want to buy new one.

CN: So, it is 'highly quality one' PT.

Suddenly, head shot sound effect occur

PT: ... Damn you CN. I know mine is just cheapskate one.

CN: Eh !! Why with sudden rage PT ???

AH: ... So insensitive ... Such innocent ...
 

ellell

-chan
Kouhai
Not sure if this one has been posted but here goes.

there were two weasels in a bar. One turns to the other and says 'I slept with your mother' to which the other replies 'go home Dad, you're drunk'

lol I loved that joke first time I heard it.

okay what was the other joke not sure if its acceptable it is after all a joke and is in no way a reflection of my opinion.

An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man were lined up ready to be shot by a firing squad, desperate to escape the English man shouted 'look a TORNADO!' the firing squad turned around and the English man jumped over the fence, then Scottish man shouted 'look a TIDALWAVE!' while the firing squad turned around he hopped over the fence, the Irish man simply shouted 'FIRE!'

and last but least.

ermm the an English army was marching through Scottland, suddenly a Scottsman popped up from over the hill and stuck his finger up at the lord leading the army, the Scottsman popped up again, and again stuck his finger up at the lord, this time the lord sent 1000 men over the hill to kill the Sottsman half an hour later he popped up again this time taunting the lord shouting 'come on is that the best you can do!' this time the lord sent 10,000 men over the hill to kill the man half an hour later a single soldier limped over the hill shouting 'it's a trap! there's two of them! '


sorry for any offence but they are just jokes
 

SuperSawyers

-dono
Retired
It's not really a joke but it's a funny poem..ish thing
biggrin.gif


There once was a man from China,
Who wasn't a very good climber,
He fell on a rock and broke his cock,
and now he's got a vagina
biggrin.gif


Oh yeah ->
A blonde walked into a building... you would've thought she would see it!

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight."

Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy's ass.

Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".
 

Nahrallah

-dono
Retired
Here's one you have to go offsite for. Have you heard about CPIP?

Prof Quotes (UW)

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." - C. Durance Computer Science 234

"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." - R. Willard Pure Math 430a

"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it?" - M. Devine Computer Science 340

"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?" - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?" - D. Taylor Computer Science 350

"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like." - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't remember the proof." - Baker Pure Math 351a

"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." - P. Buhr Computer Science 354

"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is a lot of fun." - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up." - Forbes Math Elective 102

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." - Hepler Systems Design 182

"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." - J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." - M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

"We'll call it S for cyclic." - Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his data into it." - F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

"All that was meant to bore you shitless." - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there aren't even any property taxes." - J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you take v and 'P' on it, right?" - J. Baker Mathematics 234b
 

REYOMA

-dono
Retired
Not that funny but what u think 4 the more older members
smile.gif
But u younger ones will probably get it. This was funny to me when I first heard it, a bit rude so sempai's and admins feel free to delete :

Imagine hearing this at the race track (Horse racing)

In lane 1. Passionate Lady

In lane 2. Bare Belly

In lane 3. Silk Panties

In lane 4. Conscience

In lane 5. Jockey Shorts

In lane 6. Clean Sheets

In lane 7. Thighs

In lane 8. Big Dick

In lane 9. Heavy Bosom

In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It 's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It' s Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up.. and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!!!
 

ubermensch

-san
Kouhai
lol that was funny reyoma though it might not sit well with the moderators!
ohmy.gif
i got this as mail from 1 of my friends-its quite funny though you might have seen it before-
9 things to hate-
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 175 bucks to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
 

Nahrallah

-dono
Retired
I saw this joke written backstage at a theatre when I was 12 years old and performing at an Eisteddfod. It must have had quite an impact because I've never forgotten it! If you're ever backstage at a theatre then check every surface that it's possible to write on (and some that aren't) ... many performers like to leave their mark. The Green Room is always a good place to look because some of the backstage crew can get quite creative! The following is not the best example but it's the first one that sprang to mind.

Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two bits of bread!


*******************************************************************************

Here are some more variations on nursery rhymes ...

Little Willy used to drink,
But he shall drink no more,
For what he thought was H20
Was H2SO4.
H2O = Water & H2SO4 = Sulfuric Acid


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


Mary had a little lamb
It danced in skips and hops,
It danced onto the road one day
And ended up as chops


Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised,
But when Old McDonald had a farm,
He couldn't believe his eyes.


Mary had a little Lamb,
You've heard that tale before,
But have you heard she passed her plate
And had a little more.
 

Nahrallah

-dono
Retired
Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose.
Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating expecially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work
has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC- Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their words, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of
the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate
references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY- Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed
in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take
whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against Truth. Prove the
validity of your position.

10. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

11. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

EXTRA CREDIT- Define the Universe. Give three examples.
 
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