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#41 demogog

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 04:33 PM

QUOTE (Noshi @ Aug 28 2006, 07:23 PM)
Everyone: let me tell you something funny...

I know a guy.. his name is Demogog. His cellphone was broken, so he took it to the cellphoneshop for reparation.... the shop took his phone for reparations, and in exchange, they borrowed him another phone untill his was fixed. <-especially  notice this part

Demogog had to go to the toilet. After he lost some kilos.. he flushed his artwork away, and while flushing, pulling up his pants... *splash*  Demogog took a good look in the toilet, and saw a cellphone floating in the still moving water...  WATTAHELL?!?!  He checked his pocket and though "shit, that is my temporary cellphone taking a swim there!!"

Don't ask how he fished up that cellphone, but he did. After he waited till all the (toilet)water dripped out, he went to the shop, with an excuse that the cellphone suddenly stopped working, and got ANOTHER one in exchange...

Now, Demogog, what did we learn from this lesson? Don't drop your phone in the toilet ever again, ne? laugh.gif

Thank god that wasn't my ipod video 60 gb! It was in the same pocket....
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#42 solarwing

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 04:37 PM

LOL....I heard that joke from someone else but I thought that this could not happened but then you guys came up with this story....lol....cant stop laughing... laugh.gif

#43 demogog

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 04:43 PM

QUOTE (solarwing @ Aug 28 2006, 07:30 PM)
LOL....I heard that joke from someone else but I thought that this could not happened but then you guys came up with this story....lol....cant stop laughing... laugh.gif

Hey! It really happened to me today! Good that wasn't my OWN phone... It is one of those 3G SonyEricsson Z800i... If I had to buy a new one, it would cost me pretty much... rolleyes.gif
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#44 Noshi

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 04:46 PM

AW.. man... I forgot to say: based on a true story, dedicated to the unluckiest ones of the day ~Demogog
>_<"

#45 mohammed2006

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Posted 29 August 2006 - 06:53 AM

tr-en tren , hi is this Jamal house
no
then why did you answer

#46 Byproduct

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Posted 29 August 2006 - 11:17 AM

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: 34
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#47 scar_ishbalan

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Posted 29 August 2006 - 07:13 PM

It was the Lion`s birthdate, and you know, the lion is The King so all other animals were bringing him presents. The lion was famous to get angry easily, so animals had to choose their presents very carefully.

First was the elephant, he brough the lion grapes, but the Lion didn`t like grapes so he said "Put them in his ass!!!" and the elephant was like "no please no please no!!" but Lion`s servants obey.

Then the monkey gave his present to the Lion, it was some peanuts, And the Lion said: I dont like peanut`s put them in his ass!!; and their servants obey, but after they did it, he started laughing, and laughing, so the Lion surprised asked the monkey why he was laughing, and the monkey said: its just that the squirrel brought a watermellon!!
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#48 hamasusuke

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Posted 29 August 2006 - 07:14 PM

... well... i can tell that the joke can be used in various ways... now that's too repetitive...

QUOTE
My First Time
http://zestyjokes.co...firsttime.shtml
LOL that's funny!
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#49 mohammed2006

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Posted 14 September 2006 - 06:06 PM

No Sex Since 1955

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

#50 solarwing

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Posted 14 September 2006 - 06:28 PM

lol....that was funny....time and years mingled together....

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA, only we see stars too!"

#51 yurika

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Posted 22 September 2006 - 01:01 PM

I have a couple of jokes here:

Trouble

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.
Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.

All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.

The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".

The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..
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Stoopid Baby Names


A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Fridge."
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#52 darkness_n_destruction

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Posted 23 September 2006 - 04:37 PM

Got few to share, all taken from www.joe-ks.com

Little Johnny Helps His Newlywed Brother

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

The next morning, Little Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No.”
Little Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Little Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says, “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”

He says, “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”



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Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. COOKING TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!”

“Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!”

“Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.”


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This is a long one but one of the best !!

Women Get Frustrating As They Grow Older
Why there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman…


It’s important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Joe. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Trudy. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Trudy to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Trudy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
JOE

EDITOR'S NOTE: Joe died suddenly on September 6th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his hiney, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Trudy, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.




Finally got a decent anime list ------> Kuro2 Anime List

#53 aoi_sora9x

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Posted 25 September 2006 - 08:25 AM

YOu want to hear a corny and dirty joke? Ok here it is:
a corn fell into mud
yeah? Isn't it right? smile.gif <----short joke I got from my friend
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Yawn...

#54 warita200

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 02:27 PM

a little joke for math lovers, hihihihihi biggrin.gif tongue.gif

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#55 InuyashaX

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 02:32 PM

I would have cried if that was my paper, nice touch to the guy hanging himself lol:)
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My definition of "now"
Now is that little voice in your head that's telling you now is now but it's really now past 1 minute in reality but now is not now right now so now will come a little after later then a little before after at a time period now at the end of the day where now is consistent with your mind at a moment where now is now but still not truly now.

#56 SuperSawyers

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Posted 08 October 2006 - 05:44 PM

Student: MISS I NEED THE WEE!!!
teacher: Ok i will let you go after you say your alphabet
Student: ok here it goes
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
Teacher: Where's the P?
Student: Running down my leg. I don't need the wee anymore but i do need a pooh

I like that one someone told me that in primary school when i was about 8 and it made me laugh for ages

Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why they call it the present

#57 flashnicloe

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Posted 09 October 2006 - 01:58 PM

i had a couple of them

<u>Drinking Beer (joke)</u>
Yesterday, scientists for the US Drug Administration suggested that men
should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively
without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to
think rationally, argued over nothing and went to the bathroom excessively.

No further testing is planned.

<u>how to catch guys when they lie!</u>

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new
blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home
a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and
asked if he caught many fish?


He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"


You'll love the answer...

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
...
...
...
...
...







...
...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

50 funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

# Operator! Give me the number for 911!

# Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

# Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

# Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

# I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

# Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

# Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

# Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

# Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

# Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

# You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

# Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

# When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

# Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

# I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

# [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

# What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

# Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

# Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

# The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

# When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

# I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

# Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

# I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

# Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

# It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

# Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

# I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

# Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

# Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

# Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

# How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

# Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

# Homer no function beer well without.

# I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

# Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

# If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

# I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

# I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

# [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

# All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

# Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

# But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

# I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

# Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

# That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

# Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

# If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing

# I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

# 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?


XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[MODERATOR'S NOTE: The forums use BB codes, which means brackets "[]" not HTML codes "<>"]

Edited by Kit-Tsukasa, 09 October 2006 - 02:06 PM.

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#58 mohammed2006

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Posted 11 October 2006 - 10:04 PM

QUOTE
50 funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

haaaaahaaaahaaahaaa i liked them

the best are
CODE
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

QUOTE
Operator! Give me the number for 911,[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!


#59 Byproduct

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Posted 16 October 2006 - 01:19 PM

I printed out some of these jokes for the office, they're a major hit! laugh.gif
Keep 'em coming!
-- --
Where do you find a dog with no legs after a long night of drinking
right where you left him!
~Sever your connections to this physical plane and I will take you to the ends of reality~
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new signature image coming soon

#60 Hiroyuki

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Posted 28 October 2006 - 04:32 AM

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the other side!


Chronolegend, tell us the one about the panda, I love it!
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