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#21 smilelolz

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:20 AM

ooo! Bush jokes. rawr.

Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Bush Quotes
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

no offense to anyone who supports Bush. i just found these really funny. sht.. guess i offended em after all. rawr. got em off comedy central.

#22 gmikemckenzie

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 02:15 AM

Three Japanese maidens were discussing what traits they would like in a husband.
The first one says, " I want a husband with one dragon on his chest to signify his courage."
The second one doesn't want to out done so she says, " I want a husband with two dragons on his chest to signify his strength and manliness."
The third maiden realizes she cannot simply up the ante' and says, " I want a husband with one draggin on the floor!"
user posted image Well, that's just what I think.

#23 ChAoTiC_gHoSt

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 02:36 AM

Blonde joke! And note: I'm blonde! So I aint making fun of any other blondes!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew
the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a
few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made
funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me
what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light
bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days
off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked "What are
you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are
clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the
Boss asked her " ...And
where do you think you're going?"




( You're gonna love this..... )











She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the
dark!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pope and the limo Driver:

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the limo driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "but would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, so I'd like to do the driving today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that -- I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?"

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 MPH.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the limo driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on his radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him!" said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean REALLY important!" said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," says the Chief, "then who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "Now what in the heck makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde Joke:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I
can't figure out how to get it started."


Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.


He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."


He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed,


(scroll down)













"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thats all for now, I got a million of 'em.

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#24 hamasusuke

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 03:45 AM

LOL! I LOVED THAT LAST JOKE! MUST TELL MY FRIENDS!

And, i envy your courage for joking about something relative to you.
user posted image<--how long have I had this? Time for a change!
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#25 Lunariz

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 04:28 AM

A blond woman went to go ice fishing in a frozen pond.

When she finished drilling the hole, she heard a voice saying that

"There are no fish under there". So she moves over to another spot

and drills another hole. Then again the same voice says "there are no

fish under there. She goes to another spot only to be told the same thing .

So she finally asks "Is that you god?" and the voice replies

"No, this is the manager of the ice rink"



There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

#26 scar_ishbalan

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 04:36 AM

The stoy of the ugly:

When i born the doctors said to my mom: we did what we could but he born. I born at 7 months so they put me in an incubator... with polarized cristals. My mother never suckle me, she said she only wanted me as a friend. and i was so hairy that people asked my mom: did you gave birth to him or knit him. And i was so thin that to make a shadow i had to pass two times by the same place.

I was so ugly that my mom have to tie me a stick of meat so the dog could play with me. I was so ugly that once a girl called to my house and told me "Come to my house, cause there´s nobody", and when i arrived there was nobody.

But my dad last word were that he wanted me to sit on his leap, he was given a death sentence on the electric chair. When i tried to suicide from a 50th floor, they sent a priest to talk to me his words were: ready set...
user posted image
I know you had gone insane if you saw what I saw

#27 gmikemckenzie

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 12:20 PM

When I found this I couldn't breath for hours from laughing so hard.

Macaroni and beef

You'll never be the same.
user posted image Well, that's just what I think.

#28 xcouger

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Posted 14 May 2006 - 01:49 PM

haha... lol... this cracks me up...

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

laugh.gif
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#29 solarwing

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Posted 28 May 2006 - 02:05 PM

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.Speaking specifically about manic depression,she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute,then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.All of a sudden,he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, " Just looking around."

SO YOU WANT A DAY OFF.Let's take a look at what you are asking for.There are 365 days per year available for work.There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week,leaving 261 days available for work.Since you spend 16hrs each day away from work,you hav used up 170 days,leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30mins each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year,leaving only 68 days available.With a 1hr lunch each day,you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.We are off 5 holidays per year,so your available working time is down to 15 days.We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Hope you enjoyed the jokes........... biggrin.gif

#30 solarwing

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Posted 24 June 2006 - 06:05 PM

The world's dumbest hacker

Actually a true story. Here it goes:

The story starts (I'm shortcutting here) with an ******* insulting everyone on the IRC channel. Most people there believed it was rather funny, but it got even more funny. For information: The dangerous hacker is called b!tchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch. 127.0.0.1 is always the IP-adress of the computer you're currently using, any request there will return to your computer.



* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) has joined #stopHipHop
b!tchchecker: why do you kick me
b!tchchecker: can't you discus normally
b!tchchecker: answer!
Elch: we didn't kick you
Elch: you had a ping timeout: * b!tchchecker ([email protected]) Quit (Ping timeout#)
b!tchchecker: what ping man
b!tchchecker: the timing of my pc is right
b!tchchecker: i even have dst
b!tchchecker: you banned me
b!tchcheckerr: amit it you son of a b!tch
HopperHunter|afk: LOL
HopperHunter|afk: sh!t you're stupid, DST^^
b!tchchecker: shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
b!tchchecker: for two weaks already
b!tchchecker: when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
Elch: You're a real computer expert
b!tchchecker: shut up i hack you
Elch: ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
b!tchchecker: tell me your network number man then you're dead
Elch: Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
Elch: or maybe 127.0.0.1
Elch: yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
b!tchchecker: in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
Elch: Now I'm frightened
b!tchchecker: shut up you'll be gone
b!tchchecker: i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
b!tchchecker: say goodbye
Elch: to whom?
b!tchchecker: to you man
b!tchchecker: buy buy
Elch: I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) Quit (Ping timeout#)



What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP-Adress in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure. I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.



* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) has joined #stopHipHop
b!tchchecker: dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
Metanot: lol
Elch: b!tchchecker - Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
b!tchchecker: you're so stupid man
b!tchchecker: say buy buy
Metanot: ah, [Please control your cussing] off
b!tchchecker: buy buy elch
* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) Quit (Ping timeout#)



There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve... Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.



* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) has joined #stopHipHop
b!tchchecker: elch you son of a b!tch
Metanot: b!tchchecker how old are you?
Elch: What's up b!tchchecker?
b!tchchecker: you have a frie wal
b!tchchecker: fire wall
Elch: maybe, i don't know
b!tchchecker: i'm 26
Metanot: such behaviour with 26?
Elch: how did you find out that I have a firewall?
Metanot: tststs this is not very nice missy
b!tchchecker: because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
b!tchchecker: be a man turn that sh!t off
Elch: cool, didn't know this was possible.
b!tchchecker: thn my virus destroys your pc man
Metanot: are you hacking yourselves?
Elch: yes b!tchchecker is trying to hack me
Metanot: he b!tchchecker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
b!tchchecker: yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
Metanot: what firewall do you have?
b!tchchecker: like a girl
Metanot: firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
He: B!tch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
b!tchchecker: turn the firewall off then i send you a virus ****er
Elch: Noo
Metanot: he b!tchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
b!tchchecker: you're afraid
b!tchchecker: i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
b!tchchecker: elch turn off your sh!t wall!
Metanot: i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
b!tchchecker: shut up
Metanot: lol
b!tchchecker: my grandma surfs with fire wall
b!tchchecker: and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall



He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.



Elch: b!tchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
Metanot: b!tchchecker can't hack
Black TdV: nice play on words ^^
b!tchchecker: wort man
Elch: b!tchchecker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
Metanot: how many times again he is no hacker
b!tchchecker: man do you want a virus
b!tchchecker: tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
Metanot: lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
Elch: 127.0.0.1
Elch: it's easy
b!tchchecker: lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
b!tchchecker: and are the first files being deleted
Elch: mom...
Elch: i'll take a look



In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?



b!tchchecker: don't need to rescue you can't son of a b!tch
Elch: that's bad
b!tchchecker: elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
Elch: yes, there's nothing i can do about it
b!tchchecker: and in 20 seconds f: is gone



Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. b!tchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.



b!tchchecker: tupac rules
b!tchchecker: elch you son of a b!tch your f: is gone and e: too



Drive E Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

Or isn't it happening on my computer?



b!tchchecker: and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
He: why doesn't meta say anything
Elch: he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
Black TdV: ^^
b!tchchecker: your d: is gone
He: go on B!TCH



The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! B!tchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.



b!tchchecker: elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
b!tchchecker: i'm already at c: 30 percent



Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?



* b!tchchecker ([email protected]) Quit (Ping timeout#)



Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "b!tchchecker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout". We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.

LOL the guy hacked himself and deleted all his harddrives without realizing it. laugh.gif

#31 Nightdragon

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Posted 25 June 2006 - 03:02 AM

I don't know if this one was posted and hopefully not too many people have heard it but...

Q: "Why wasn't Jesus born in America?"


A: "Cause they couldn't find 3 wisemen and a virgin."
user posted image
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#32 mohammed2006

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Posted 25 June 2006 - 12:21 PM

OK this is a real story not a joke.....

there was a man who was married to a woman he had 5 children all of them girls he want to have a boy so he told his wife if you don't have the next baby a boy ill have a divorce i don't care you have to give me a boy even if he dies in his birth so when the time come for her to have a child she has a girl so she told the nurse please tell my husband that i had a boy and he is dead so the nurse understand the case and told the man that his son is dead now the woman wanted to get red of hire child so she bared her alive near of her house but every day the woman was the only one who listen to some voice the voice of a crying baby so when she followed the voice sores she get to her child grave so she start digging and she gave her child her milk a tel she shat up then bared her again and she kept doing like that .. one day her baby stated to cry again so she want to give her her milk but her don't want her milk and kept crying so the woman gets mad and went to her house and toke a knife and tolled her child tell me what you want or ill stap you so the child answer i get bord from your milk i need needo

#33 sabishi

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Posted 12 July 2006 - 06:11 PM



why does the blond woman have brusies on her navel?

...blond men arn't that smart either
the friends i've made have slipped and strayed
and who's the one that cares?
a triffling lot and best forgot-
and thats my lot and theirs

then if my friendships break and bend
there's little need to cry
the while I know that every foe
is faithful till I die

#34 solarwing

solarwing

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  • Interests:I have my habits<br>I have my ways of acting<br>After kicks in my ass I always stand up stronger than before<br>So kick me as much as you want<br>It's just worthless<br>Be a pain in my ass if you want<br>I'll just remain ME whatever you may say<br>I'm very straight-to-the-point<br>And you gotta deal with it

Posted 14 July 2006 - 12:19 PM

Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?

Ans:Because he wanted to work over-time!

#35 Nightdragon

Nightdragon

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  • Interests:I bounce back and forth from FTV. Do I enjoy it? Very much so. Yet, life demands more than I can give at certain points and forces me to do the things I need more than the things I want.<br><br>I have made and crossed bridges here while burning others. In time, I hope everything can be fixed and made better. I just want to know this place is a home that I can return to whenever I need it.<br><br>As for my interests... I enjoy video games, computers, fixing electronics, playing the drums, hanging with friends, and working at my two jobs. Oh! And this place

Posted 14 July 2006 - 01:15 PM

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

-----------------------

theres this boy billy and one day his parents were fighting and he heard his mom call his dad a basta** and his dad call his mom a bit**
he goes up to his mom
billy: mom? whats a basta** and a bit**
mom: well i basta** is a gentman and a bit** is a lady

he walks outside and hears the nextdoor neighboor scream stick ur "thing" in my "hole" (the real real did not use thing or hole)

he goes to his mom

Billy: mom whats a "thing" and a "hole"
mom: well a "thing" is a coat and a "hole" is a hat

he goes upstairs
his dad is shaving and cuts himself so he screams shi*

billy: dad whats sh*t
dad: its a tyoe of shaving cream

billy walks downstairs

his mom is cuttin chicken and cuts her finger
she screams fu*k

billy: mom whats fu*k
mom: its how u cut the chicken


later that night people come over for dinner and billy greets them

billy: hello bitc**s and basta**s can i take ur "things" and "holes" dad is upstairs scrapin sh*t off his face and mom is in the kitchen fu*kin the chicken

-------------------

Churchgoer: Do you know why Jesus wasn't born in America?
Preacher: No. Why?
Chuchgoer: Cause God couldn't find 3 wise-men and a virgin.

---------------------

Pirate: Chest where is the treasure?
Chest (the parrot): Rant. I don't know.
Pirate: I know you know where the booty is!
Chest: Rant! I don't know!
Pirate: Chest! Tell me where the treasure is or i make you my dinner!
Chest: RANT! I DON'T KNOW!
Pirate: *Takes chest and puts him over a fire*
Chest: *singing* Chest's Nuts roasting over an open fire...
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#36 solarwing

solarwing

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  • Interests:I have my habits<br>I have my ways of acting<br>After kicks in my ass I always stand up stronger than before<br>So kick me as much as you want<br>It's just worthless<br>Be a pain in my ass if you want<br>I'll just remain ME whatever you may say<br>I'm very straight-to-the-point<br>And you gotta deal with it

Posted 14 July 2006 - 03:39 PM

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"

"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"

"Your name on this report card."

#37 smilelolz

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Posted 15 July 2006 - 12:51 AM

More Blondes!
----
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
----

More Rednecks!
----
Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):


[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?


[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:


[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:


[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know


#38 solarwing

solarwing

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Posted 15 July 2006 - 05:54 AM

(If possible, read this out loud.)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.

#39 Nightdragon

Nightdragon

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  • Interests:I bounce back and forth from FTV. Do I enjoy it? Very much so. Yet, life demands more than I can give at certain points and forces me to do the things I need more than the things I want.<br><br>I have made and crossed bridges here while burning others. In time, I hope everything can be fixed and made better. I just want to know this place is a home that I can return to whenever I need it.<br><br>As for my interests... I enjoy video games, computers, fixing electronics, playing the drums, hanging with friends, and working at my two jobs. Oh! And this place

Posted 15 July 2006 - 01:07 PM

LMAO! I love that one solarwing! if you have anymore like that please post it... btw, did you come up with that cause if you did then all i have to say is BRILLANT!
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#40 Noshi

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 04:30 PM

Everyone: let me tell you something funny...

I know a guy.. his name is Demogog. His cellphone was broken, so he took it to the cellphoneshop for reparation.... the shop took his phone for reparations, and in exchange, they borrowed him another phone untill his was fixed. <-especially notice this part

Demogog had to go to the toilet. After he lost some kilos.. he flushed his artwork away, and while flushing, pulling up his pants... *splash* Demogog took a good look in the toilet, and saw a cellphone floating in the still moving water... WATTAHELL?!?! He checked his pocket and though "shit, that is my temporary cellphone taking a swim there!!"

Don't ask how he fished up that cellphone, but he did. After he waited till all the (toilet)water dripped out, he went to the shop, with an excuse that the cellphone suddenly stopped working, and got ANOTHER one in exchange...

Now, Demogog, what did we learn from this lesson? Don't drop your phone in the toilet ever again, ne? laugh.gif




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